It is good to hate sin. Sin destroys. When I have lived my life in serious sin, especially for any long period of time, my life has decayed. After a few weeks, a few months, a few years, I am no longer the same person that I was before. I am always worse. My life is always worse off. Recently I have felt the pull of serious sin and although I did not fall all the way, I fell a little bit. I succumbed to the enticements and allurements of images, of flesh, of sensual pleasures. Yesterday was a hard day because of that. I felt the sting and burden and weight of sin upon me. Sleeplessness and despair hounded me. God seemed distant, even though I know he is there. Today is better, although I still drawn to sensual desire in a deep way. There is nothing wrong with desire; what is wrong is being sucked into disordered desires and wanting to pursue those as much as possible.

What I desire the most is to have Christ in my life. A life without Christ is a dark and empty life for me. Some days it is difficult though. The confusion between eroticism and Christianity swirls about inside of me. I live in a place where I am surrounded by attractive, even beautiful, women. Each one I want to look at, fantasize about, even more. There are many opportunities for me to sleep with different women. The excitement of a new sexual experience always seems to beckon me. Yet I know what that would unleash inside of myself both spiritually and emotionally. Then there are the added and real fears of STDs. So I chose restraint and abstinence and faith itself. Yet the struggles goes on. Some days are easier than others. But I must continue to trust in God and Christ.

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