So the choice this time was restraint. I know there will be other choices to make in the future. But sleeping with a woman without, at the very least, any sort relationship does not seem like a wise choice anymore. At least at this point in my life I can make my choices based, I hope, on the informed decisions based on my past behaviors. As alluring as free and easy sex is, it can also be addictive, destructive and even poisonous. What is most important is love, with or without sex. This is what will bring me close to God and Christ in the end and improve me as a person.
These things are not easy. Clio has a nice post on the struggles and extremes of sexual desire and ethics as depicted in two novels. This has always been the struggle for me: what is allowable sexual pleasure, not in a moralistic way so much, but more in a health way. I know that from personal experience casual sex is ultimately meaningless. Yes, there is the thrill of conquest, but all your are left with in the end are memories. Marriage, for all its problems, at least is a structured and hopefully secure way to enjoy sexual pleasure along with love. As I grow older I see that more and more. I never really desired marriage all that much, nor do I at this point in my life, but I appreciate its value more now than before. I was engaged twice, the first more serious than the second, but things did not work out in either case, even though I loved both very much. Still, I almost did get married at some points in my life.
For me all this relates to the greatest love of my life, God. The addictive uncertainty of free, easy, casual sex is nothing compared to the peace and love I feel when I sense the presence of God in my life. Still, that presence does not exclude me from feeling great desire for sexual pleasure too. Perhaps I simply need to think of Christ carrying the Cross more often. Deny yourself. Perhaps He is teaching me to carry my Cross now.